i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
by sanumarox123
Summary: AU: She still owes him those hundred coffees. But she's gone now. He's just glad that he got to know her. Got to know her secrets; her fears, her. She was his sun, his moon, his world for years.


_**WARNING: THIS IS SLIGHTLY OOC AND AU. OKAY. **_

_**Spoilers for 3x24**_

**a/n: the title (and the whole one-shot in general) is taken from the poem with the same name by e.e cummings. I have loved his work for so long and this poem… well ****you'll see. it's my first castle fanfic, and I hope I do this show justice.**

**I really hope I don't botch this up. this show has helped me get through a difficult time in my life and I don't want my first fanfic to be a mess xD**

**(( the cover image is taken from my castle/stana katic instagram, ecskatic. ))**

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**dedicated to:**

_[rick-rick (soph), gina (kei), soph, bel, ari, ronnie, nikki, lauren, mols, chlo bear… the list is endless. thanks for the inspiration y'all!]_

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_i carry your heart with me_

_(i carry it in my heart)_

_i am never without it _

_(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done_

_by only me is your doing, my darling)_

_no fate_

_(for you are my fate, my sweet)_

_i want no world_

_(for beautiful you are my world, my true)_

_and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant_

_and whatever a sun will always sing is you_

_here is the deepest secret nobody knows_

_(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud_

_and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows_

_higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)_

_and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart_

_i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)_

_~ e.e cummings, 'i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)'_

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**disclaimer: next time I write for this fandom, I'll find a witty remark about how I most definitely don't own castle. andrew marlowe does.**

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He jumps at her when he hears the shot. He's just a second too late, just _one second too late, _and the bullet goes into her chest.

He looks at her, her hair framing her face, her eyes fluttering as she struggles to breath through the pain. He brushes her hair lightly with his fingertips, and he sees her eyes open, her mouth forming the words, 'I love you.' before closing once again.

He manages to gasp out, "Don't die, Kate. I love you. Please stay. You can hold on." before just hugging her the best he can without touching her chest. He places a kiss on her cheek, and then she's gone.

She dies in his arms. He is looking at her face, (oh, the face of the one he loves) as she dies, and he can't hold in the sobs threatening to break free. Tears running down his face, he grips her arms and shakes her; leans down to put her mouth to his. Not in a kiss, no, but to try to breath air in her lungs. He knows it is futile, but he tries.

The ambulance rushes her body to the hospital, pumping the place where her heart used to beat uselessly. They use every method they can to revive her, to no avail.

She is proclaimed dead two hours after they brought her in.

Her father is struck silent, and the Kate's father turns around to look at him. He pats his arm on the way out, and then the sobs break free.

He rushes to the bathroom, tears streaming down his face, silent sobs racking his body as he clenches the nearest sink. Sinking down to his knees, he pictures the love of his life's face as the life left her, how she mouthed the words, 'I love you too' right before she died.

He hears his name being called outside; his mother and daughter in unison, both their voices laced with worry.

But right now, he needs to be alone.

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He sits by her grave for hours at a time, in rain, cold, warm. He talks to her, telling her about what kind of life they could have had together. How the kiss they shared in the alley was nothing like he had ever felt before. How he thinks about the warmth of her lips, how she nipped at his bottom lip at night when he is bed alone, with only her voice and his hand to guide him to ecstasy.

He tells her everything.

He also carries around her watch, (well her father's watch) which was given to him by her father.

"You need it more than I do," the older man said to him, patting his hand, eyes glistening with unshed tears not a day after the shooting.

He tells her how he can't imagine his life without her, but is slowly realizing that he will have to get used to it. He promises that her legacy will be fulfilled.

He works with Espo and Ryan and the new captain (who seems to hate him, but lets him stay because of the late Montgomery's request) to solve her mother's murder. They find the sniper, and after they arrest him, the whole scheme that had killed the people they all cared about was closed.

He wishes Kate was there with them that day.

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Sometimes at night he wakes up with nightmares, clutching the blankets like a lifeline. The tremors don't stop because no one is there to calm him. At least, not the person who counts. But he gets through them and wakes up the next day; puts on a brave face for those around him and goes back to being depressed at night.

Then, he starts to write again.

He writes about love, and life, and how you can't wait too long to do something you want to. Because if you do, then the thing you want to do, or the person you want, may slip away. It's a total new genre for his writing, and he throws his best efforts into it.

His new main character for his new book, entitled, '_A Tree Called Life', _of course based on Kate. But, it's not the same Kate as in the Nikki Heat books, no. This time, it's a girl, living in a world where men rule everything, finding her way and finding love as well. It is a heart-whelming story for those who read it, and while he loses many readers, he also gains a few.

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Years later, when the hurt isn't as obvious in his demeanor; when he can say her name and talk about her without showing the pain it gives him inside, he starts to give speeches about her bravery. About how much he admired her for her snark, for her ability to keep him on his toes. And everyone can see: she was his one and only.

Her heart is in his heart, forever. Her memory is always there, all the times they shared, whether it was laughter or anger or the missed moments and the truth of what could have been. He lives by her memory now.

He can still hear her voice ringing with laughter at a joke he made, or the smile she gave him that lit up the room when he brought her her daily coffee. The way they finished each other's sentences (no matter how cliché that was).

He's just glad that he got to know her. Got to know her secrets; her fears, _her._

She was his sun, his moon, his world for the years she was.

And she still owes him those hundred coffees.

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_**(I know that last line was taken from Season 4, but I had to put it there.)**_

**this turned out very differently than it was supposed to, uhm… but enjoy? **

**this was un-betaed because my beta is MIA (*glares at babette*) but I hope I did something right.**

**thanks for reading.**

**[shameless advertising: follow me on twitter /laheypup. that is literally the place where i let it all out.]**


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